COVID-19 Important New Research Findings (satire)

By | January 30, 2021

Medical experts have just announced exciting new findings in the area of protection against the devilishly infectious and extremely lethal COVID19 virus. Several research groups have made significant breakthroughs in recent weeks in the race to find the best measures of protection against the virus.  .

These experts say it is highly likely (even highly probable, and with a good degree of certainty) that these new findings will add significantly to the ever growing arsenal of Personal Protective Practices (PPP) that we can use to our advantage to minimise even further, the rare possibility that we might catch the virus from healthy people who show no symptoms. Hey, it’s always better to be safe than sorry!

So let’s review these novel new discoveries that the experts in the field will be announcing soon.

One group of experts has discovered that no one who wears Mickey Mouse ears when out in public has EVER caught the virus, let alone died from it! Clinical trials are now underway and are showing promising results.

Another group of scientists has discovered that anyone wearing a Pinocchio nose in public seems to be protected and no one thus attired has ever caught the virus either. The scientific experts’ focus now is on exactly how long the nose needs to be to offer the best protection. But they remain encouraged by their findings so far, and will be apprising government ministers of their findings soon.

Many politicians and government advisors have expressed their delight at this finding. They say that their noses are growing longer by the day anyway, all by themselves, and so this must indicate that they are acquiring natural immunity!

The statistics supplied by the Johns Hopkins University indicate that covering your ears with Mickey Mouse ears, and attaching a Pinocchio nose to your own nose, offers the same level of protection as wearing a face mask!

Yet another group of expert scientists have made the  surprising discovery that standing on one leg appears to offer protection. Their statistics show that no one has ever caught the virus while in this position. They say the level of protection this offers is on a par with social distancing. However, further research is on-going to determine which leg should be used, and for how long. Is it O.K. to switch legs if one gets tired? Is it OK to lean against a wall while standing on one leg? These are important questions which need to be answered before an official recommendation can be made to the World Health Organisation (WHO), who will subsequently advise the governments of the world. But, we can expect to see this becoming “standing” practice soon.

Then there is the balance test. If you cannot stand on one leg for the prescribed length of time (currently being precisely defined, so as to reflect the same degree of precision as social distancing), then this is an indication that you in fact are carrying the virus, because the experts have now discovered that your sense of balance is affected by the virus.

However if the balance test is inconclusive, and a doubt remains, then you will be asked to take the spin test. This entails spinning around three times, whilst still on one leg, in a clockwise direction without falling over. If you fail both tests, you will be instantly quarantined as this is clear and obvious evidence that you are carrying the virus. It is now known that COVID-19 is heavier than other viruses, and so it is the extra weight that makes you fall over.

Another measure under consideration, which we will probably see soon at the entrance to all shops, restaurants, banks and other public places, are the olfactory tests. Government expert scientists now tell us that the virus affects your sense of smell as well, so these experts are now devising olfactory test kits, just as reliable as the COVID19 test kits, which will test your sense of smell to the same degree of accuracy. You will take this test blindfolded, and be asked to differentiate between three different odours. These odours will be changed regularly so that you cannot base your response on your experience with a previous test.

Medical experts are excited about this new development and say the results are just as convincing as the existing COVID19 tests kits (which we know cannot actually detect the presence of the virus), and may in fact even give a better indication as to whether you are infected with the killer virus or not.

Mickey Mouse ears, Pinocchio noses and blindfolds will soon be available in all major retail outlets. You will find them next to the face masks and hand sanitizers.

So there you have it. Wear your face mask, maintain your social distance, don’t step outside of your social bubble, don’t shake hands, don’t hug anyone, disinfect your hands every five minutes, wear your Mickey Mouse ears, wear your Pinocchio nose, and stand on one leg as often as you can –and don’t forget to carry your blindfold with you at all times, ready to take the smell test.

Do all this and you will be safe! You know it makes sense!